Don't deconstruct and then fill me in's Journal

4:39am: One Year Later
No one probably reads this anymore but that's ok.



So, it's one year later since Damon and I broke up. I only remembered because I started looking through old e-mails to delete. It's weird to look back and see how much I've changed in one year. I've definitely grown up a lot and changed my attitude towards relationships. The best thing that I learned is that I am NOTHING without my friends. They're the people who got me through this year without completely going crazy. I thought that I'd have a lot more to say about this but I don't really, I feel pretty indifferent about Damon and what use to be our "situation" It feels nice and comforting, not sure why but it does.

Moral of the story:
You live, you learn and you move on. And moving on is one of the best feelings in the world.


Also, alcohol and friends are the best way to cure anything. True story.


Fuck, it's 4:30 in the morning, it's time for bed.

1:17am: hello LJ
Hello everyone who still reads this. Sorry for the lack of updates.

I had a date with this guy named Matt on Monday night. I was extremely nervous beforehand because it had been a while since I had actually had a "date." It was fun we went to BJ's Restaurant for dinner, had really good conversation not very many awkward silent moments at all. We talked about everything, from bad tv to our hate for George Bush haha. I caught him looking at my boobs more than a few times but it's to be expected, I have some huge ones. After dinner we decided to go see if we could find a movie to see but there wasn't anything that sounded good, so we headed to a bar for some drinks and just hang out. We had a funny first kiss. He was driving me back to my house and we were waiting at a red light and he looks at me and then kissed me, so we were there making out at red light and then the light changed and finally realized that the light had changed. He was going to drop me off but after the small make out session I suggested we go to the park near my house. We sat on the swings for a while and talked some more but it was freezing so we went back to his car and proceeded to make out more. haha it's really a shame that we both live with our parents because I am pretty sure that if one of us had not, sex would've been had. It's been far too long for sex...it's been like 3 months, i'm going crazy. At least I got some sort of action. So all in all, it was a fun night and I had a really good time.


Damon who?

yeah, exactly.


I hope everyone is doing good.

2:22pm: I need a make-out partner(s)...any takers?

2:40pm: Stole this from Robbie, cause i'm so god damn bored.
24 Questions You'd Never Think to Ask.

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? My eyes

2. How much cash do you have on you? 15 bucks.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? Best.

4. Favorite plant?

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? My brother Mike

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone? The Cure- Just Like Heaven

7. What shirt are you wearing? A green polo shirt, it's my work shirt.

8. Do you "label" yourself? No.

9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing? Some brand named Predictions, they are from payless

10. Bright or Dark Room? Dark

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? He's hot, I'd do him.

12. Do you know what an 8-track is? Yes.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Laying in bed watching Sex and the City

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? "Tru Dat"

15. Do you ever click on pop-ups or banners? No.

16. What's a saying that you say a lot? "What the fuck?"

17. Who told you they loved you last? my nephew Dominic.

18. Last furry thing you touched? Hm, I can't really remember

19. How many hours a week do you work? I just started working again and i'm up to 16 hours right now

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? None.

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 21.

22. Your worst enemy? Don't really have one.

23. What is your current desk top picture? Some picture from DigitalBlasphemy.com

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "No, you have the wrong number"


Well i'm still bored. I have to go to work in an hour...blah.

12:38pm: Sadness and Gay Bars
I think i'll be writing in this more often, maybe it'll help getting my feelings/thoughts/anger out. So i've been alright the past couple of days...emotions are up and down obviously. I'm glad that i'm moving in two weeks because I have to pack and it gives me something to do besides sitting around thinking of Damon. I'm trying to keep busy and next on the list is a finding a job. I haven't worked in like 3 years now, I miss it and I miss having money. Damon and I have talked once on the phone and a few times through e-mail, it's so hard when you're just use to talking to someone everyday and then you sudden have to stop. *sigh*


Anyways, the subject of this journal is funny. I wanted to get out of my house so I had e-mailed my brother the night Damon and I broke up asking if I could come stay at his house on friday. So last night(and for those who don't/didn't know my brother is gay) he and his partner Steve decided we should go out and get me hammered. I had 2 drinks before we even left, Beforehand my brother asked me how I felt about going to an "alternative" bar and I told him I didn't care. So off we went to the first bar, where apperently it seemed to be lesbian night...there were nothing but a bunch of women there, we had one drink and then left and went to another place where there weren't many people so we played a few games of darts had another drink and left. The last place we went was really cool and fun. I was the only girl in there for a couple of hours, had about 4 drinks and a shot there. Saw some drag queens and this guy was basically giving us his life story, he was hilarious and made me feel better. I had a really good time and I can't thank my brother and steve enough for making me feel a littl better. I've been deemed my brothers new "Fag Hag" haha and I love it. I'm going to gay bars more now, they are much cleanier and I don't have to worry about creepy guys.


I'm starting to feel down again, so I'm going to take a shower and watch tv or do something, I don't know....*sigh* does it get any easier? I'm sure it does but right now it feels like it won't.



edit: excuse the cheesiness of this but I was watching the music channel on digital cable and whitney houston's Exhale came on, it made me cry and then I felt the need to make this edit and add these lyrics.

Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you cry
Life never tells us, the whens and whys
When you've got friends, to wish you well
You'll find a point when, you will exhale

12:49am: yeah
so, yeah Damon and I broke up.

maybe it's for the better? i don't know...there's so many emotions going through my head that i don't know whether i'm coming or going. it's only been 5 hours...good god shoot me now.

i feel so sick to my stomach, i already threw up once, i hope i don't have to do it again.

3:40pm: I always copy Robbie
Go to http://www.musicoutfitters.com, do a search for the top 100 songs of your year of birth, bold the ones you like, underline your favorite! :)


1. When Doves Cry, Prince
2. What's Love Got To Do With It, Tina Turner
3. Say Say Say, Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson
4. Footloose, Kenny Loggins
5. Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now), Phil Collins
6. Jump, Van Halen
7. Hello, Lionel Richie
8. Owner Of A Lonely Heart, Yes
9. Ghostbusters, Ray Parker Jr.
10. Karma Chameleon, Culture Club
11. Missing You, John Waite
12. All Night Long (All Night), Lionel Richie
13. Let's Hear It For The Boy, Deniece Williams
14. Dancing In The Dark, Bruce Springsteen
15. Girls Just Want To Have Fun, Cyndi Lauper
16. The Reflex, Duran Duran
17. Time After Time, Cyndi Lauper
18. Jump (For My Love), Pointer Sisters
19. Talking In Your Sleep, Romantics
20. Self Control, Laura Branigan
21. Let's Go Crazy, Prince and The Revolution
22. Say It Isn't So, Daryl Hall and John Oates
23. Hold Me Now, Thompson Twins
24. Joanna, Kool and The Gang
25. I Just Called To Say I Love You, Stevie Wonder
26. Somebody's Watching Me, Rockwell
27. Break My Stride, Matthew Wilder
28. 99 Luftballons, Nena
29. I Can Dream About You, Dan Hartman
30. The Glamorous Life, Sheila E.
31. Oh Sherrie, Steve Perry
32. Stuck On You, Lionel Richie
33. I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues, Elton John
34. She Bop, Cyndi Lauper
35. Borderline, Madonna,
36. Sunglasses At Night, Corey Hart
37. Eyes Without A Face, Billy Idol
38. Here Comes The Rain Again, Eurythmics
39. Uptown Girl, Billy Joel
40. Sister Christian, Night Ranger
41. Drive, Cars
42. Twist Of Fate, Olivia Newton-John
43. Union Of The Snake, Duran Duran
44. The Heart Of Rock 'N' Roll, Huey Lewis and The News
45. Hard Habit To Break, Chicago
46. The Warrior, Scandal
47. If Ever You're In My Arms Again, Peabo Bryson
48. Automatic, Pointer Sisters
49. Let The Music Play, Shannon
50. To All The Girls I've Loved Before, Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson
51. Caribbean Queen, Billy Ocean
52. That's All, Genesis
53. Running With The Night, Lionel Richie
54. Sad Songs (Say So Much), Elton John
55. I Want A New Drug, Huey Lewis and The News
56. Islands In The Stream, Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton
57. Love Is A Battlefield, Pat Benatar
58. Infatuation, Rod Stewart
59. Almost Paradise, Mike Reno and Ann Wilson
60. Legs, ZZ Top
61. State Of Shock, Jacksons
62. Love Somebody, Rick Springfield
63. Miss Me Blind, Culture Club
64. If This Is It, Huey Lewis and The News
65. You Might Think, Cars
66. Lucky Star, Madonna
67. Cover Me, Bruce Springsteen
68. Cum On Feel The Noize, Quiet Riot
69. Breakdance, Irene Cara
70. Adult Education, Daryl Hall and John Oates
71. They Don't Know, Tracy Ullman
72. An Innocent Man, Billy Joel
73. Cruel Summer, Bananarama
74. Dance Hall Days, Wang Chung
75. Give It Up, K.C.
76. I'm So Excited, Pointer Sisters
77. I Still Can't Get Over Loving You, Ray Parker Jr.
78. Thriller, Michael Jackson
79. Holiday, Madonna
80. Breakin'... There's No Stopping Us, Ollie And Jerry
81. Nobody Told Me, John Lennon
82. Church Of The Poison Mind, Culture Club
83. Think Of Laura, Christopher Cross
84. Time Will Reveal, Debarge
85. Wrapped Around Your Finger, Police
86. Pink Houses, John Cougar Mellencamp
87. Round And Round, Ratt
88. Head Over Heels, Go-Go's
89. The Longest Time, Billy Joel
90. Tonight, Kool and The Gang
91. Got A Hold On Me, Christine McVie
92. Dancing In The Sheets, Shalamar
93. Undercover Of The Night, Rolling Stones
94. On The Dark Side, John Cafferty and The Beaver Brown Band
95. New Moon On Monday, Duran Duran
96. Major Tom (Coming Home), Peter Schilling
97. Magic, Cars
98. When You Close Your Eyes, Night Ranger
99. Rock Me Tonite, Billy Squier
100. Yah Mo B There, James Ingram and Michael McDonald


I'm going to be doing a lot of downloading when I get back from Orange County haha.

6:43pm: Ow..got burnt today
Well today was my nephew's 2nd birthday party at the park. His real birthday isn't until the 21st but that is a tuesday so we couldn't do the party then. It was a lot of fun, my nephew is obsessed wtith Buzz Lightyear so this birthday was all about Buzz. My sister-in-law's uncle found a Buzz coustume and dressed up as him, my nephew was ecstatic when he saw him! It was cute, pictures down below. I wish Jem and the Holograms would've come to my birthday parties when I was little haha.
( Read more... )

Funny thing that happened, after buzz had come out, these asians (who were having a party across from us) started busting out their cameras. I felt like I was at Disneyland.

Man,I am mega burnt from today as well. I'm brown, i'm not suppose to get burnt. We were out there from about 10 to 4ish..so I guess that's why.

Well my 21st birthday is tomorrow and I am excited! I wish I didn't have to share it will all fathers everywhere, is that greedy? yeah, oh well it's my birthday and I can be. Dinner at Buca Di Beppo with family and friends, then out for a whole night of drinking with my friends and some family members such as my brothers, sister-in-law and god knows who else. A lot of drinking will be happening tomorrow and if I don't throw up, I'm going to be so dissapointed.


Vegas next week....I'm sure i'll make a post about that too.

11:08am: GOD DAMNIT
So my mom is doing a lot better now, she is stuck taking blood pressure medicine forever now. She's not happy with that but what can you do?


Now, for the GOD DAMNIT part of my jounral. Around December of last year I got summoned for federal jury duty but got it postponed because of school, well my mom checked the mail this morning(wasn't checked yesterday)and what do I get? Summoned for federal jury duty again, but I don't have to go in on the first day I'm suppose to call in every day FOR A GOD DAMN month. All of July I basically can't do anything because i'm ON CALL for jury duty from July 5th-July 29th. So pissed off!

I haven't see Damon in a month and i'm sad and i miss him. :( He'll be down memorial day weekend and then i'm going back up to school with him for a week until he's done with school on the 10th.

It is almost a month my birthday! Vegas here I come!


Now I am off to do mounds and mounds of homework, projects, etc that are due tomorrow. One final done with tomorrow after that one on the 23rd and one on the 25th....oh next week hurry up and be here.


Take Care.

12:50pm: I'm really worried right now. My dad woke me up this morning to tell me that he was taking my mom to the urgent care this morning because she said she was feeling really dizzy and lightheaded and felt like she was burning up inside. I got call from my dad saying her blood pressure was 217, which Isn't good at all. Then I get another call saying that the doctors want her to go over to the hospital for a brain scan and various other tests. I couldn't get a hold of my brothers for a while and I was starting to freak out, but I got ahold of them so I feel a little better. I needed somewhere to vent, I'm trying to stay positive but I'm still worried, my mom said she didn't want us there right now since they'll just be doing tests and such for awhile and that they'd call if something came up. Ugh, just like my mom. So now I sit here and wait for my brother Daniel to come over. He better or I'm going to lose my mind and think bad things if I'm here alone. That's all for now..I'll update later if I hear anything.


My dad just called and said it's going to be like 6 hours til we hear anything, the ER is completely packed...ugh I'm going to be a nervous wreck. :-/

4:12pm: stole this from robbie

Your Birthdate: June 19

Your birth on the 19th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life path. But at the same time, it poses a number of obstacles to overcome before you are able to be as independent as you would like. The number 1 energy suggests more executive ability and leadership qualities than your path may have indicated. A birthday on the 19th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. However, a somewhat self-centered approach to life that may be in conflict with some of the other influences in your life. This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush. You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations. You do not tend to follow convention or take advice very well. Consequently, you tend to learn through experience; sometimes hard experiences. The 19/1 is a loner number and you may experience feelings of being alone even if you are married. You may take on a tendency to be nervous and angry.

fairly accurate.

11:50pm: hello
i got a digital camera for my birthday early, so now a picture of my nephew Dominic. Is he not the cutest?



After tomorrow, 2 weeks of school left. thank fucking god.

2:56pm: haven't done one of these in forever, stolen from Robbie.
LAYER ONE: On The Outside
Name: Angela
Birthdate: June 19, 1984
Birthplace: La Mesa, Ca
Current Location: El Cajon, Ca
Eye Color: brown
Hair Color: brown
Height: 5'4"
Righty or Lefty: righty
Zodiac Sign: Gemini

LAYER TWO: On The Inside--
Your heritage: Mexican, Spanish, English, French, Irish uhhhh some other stuff
The shoes you wore today:
Your weakness: A lot of things
Your fears: Losing people that i love and never getting anywhere in life
Your perfect pizza: Gourmet Veggie from Round Table...mmmm.
Goal you'd like to achieve: a photographer and own my own photo business
LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow--
Your most overused phrase online: probably "hahahaha"
Your thoughts first waking up: man, i gotta pee.
Your best physical feature: um...boobs?
Your bedtime: anytime between 1-3 am
Your most missed memory: Talking with my Nana

LAYER FOUR: Your Pick--
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonalds or Burger King: Burger King
Single or group dates: Single.
Adidas or Nike: Adidas
Nestea or lipton tea: both
Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee

LAYER FIVE: Do You?--
Smoke: No
Cuss: Yes
Sing: Yes
Have (a) crush(es): Yes
Do you think you've been in love: I know I have, Yes
Want to go to college: I am right now...man, i'm almost doooooone
Like school: Eh, it has it's moments.
Want to get married: Yes
Believe in yourself: Sometimes
Get motion sickness: No
Think you're attractive: I have my moments.
Think you're a health freak: No
Get along with your parents: Yes
Like thunderstorms: Scary but I like them
Play an instrument: No,I really wish i did

LAYER SIX: In the past month--
Smoked: No
Done a drug: No
Made Out: Yes
Gone on a date: Yes
Gone shopping: Yes
Eaten an entire box of cookies: No.
Eaten sushi: Yes
Been on stage: No.
Been dumped: No.
Gone skating: No.
Made homemade cookies: No.
Gone skinny dipping: No.
Dyed your hair: No, but I am going to dye it tomorrow.
Stolen anything: No.

LAYER SEVEN: Ever--
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes.
Been caught "doing something": No.
Been called a tease: Yes.
Gotten beaten up: No.
Shoplifted: No.
LAYER EIGHT: Getting Older--
Age you hope to be married: 25-27
Numbers and Names of Children: I'm not sure.
How do you want to die: Without pain.
Where you want to go to college: It doesn't matter.
What do you want to be when you grow up: Photographer
What country would you most like to visit: Italy
LAYER NINE: In a partner--
Best eye color?: Doesn't matter.
Best hair color?: Brown.
Short or long hair: Short.
Height: 5'11-6'ish
Best weight: As long as they're not serverly obese, I don't care.
Best articles of clothing: Regular fit jeans, t-shirt, converse.
Best first date location: Hm...anywhere that's fun.

LAYER TEN: In The Numbers--
Number of drugs taken illegally: 0, I'm a prude.
Number of times: -
Number of people I could trust with my life: 4
Number of CDs that I own: I stopped counting at 100.
Number of piercings: 4
Number of tattoos: None yet, soon though.
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: I don't think it ever has, oh wait, no...once

10:05am: been a long time...
i'm going to make this short and sweet.

had a party for my friend maybell who is leaving us to go to the philippines on tuesday for 3 fucking months.

got incredibly wasted, 4 jager bombs,one regular shot of jager, 2 citrus vodka shots, about 7 southern comfort and sprites with lime...they were good, and i was gone.

got slapped in the ass with a paddle called "the leathal weapon" that mindy has by her fucking manager at work. it hurt.

drunk dialed Damon, i don't remember what i said to him..but i know that he kept sending me dirty text messages throughout the night.

went to santanas and got a bean burrito at like 3 in the morning.

crashed in bed with mindy and now i'm home..i felt ok when i woke up but the car ride home made me feel not so good and now i think i might throw up. actually, i think i'm going to, i'm trying not to.

all in all, fucking awesome night.

2:31pm: OMG OMG OMG OMG
woo! i am seeing the Pixies in 4 hours. that's all for an update.


i'm suppose to be taking a nap because im tired as helll but the excitement is keeping me up.


oh well, yipppppppppee.

hope everyone is doing well.

6:04pm: My nephew is cute!






he is one years old now and these are his "big boy" pictures taken a couple days ago. feel free to AWWWWWWWW!

1:43pm: birthday fun
My birthday was great. My friends and I got a hotel and boozed it up, but before that we went and saw a free show on the beach in the afternoon. That was fun, it was my second time seeing the same band on my birthday, i saw them last year on my birthday too. Pictures GALORE is coming up. i'm not going to cut them either, so deal with it.

Also today is my nephew's first birthday. We're going to Chuck E. Cheese's for his birthday. It should be fantastic. I'm sure i'll post pictures of that later too.


What I got for my birthday:
All the Sex and the City dvd's...well all but season 6.
Reality Bites
Cursive- Domestica
Elton John- Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
some shirts and a pair of cool socks
a watermelon and strawberry tote bag, it's awesome.
homemade pictures frames.
The Book of Bunny Suicides by Andy Riley, funniest cartoon book ever.
and the coolest of them ALL:
that exact one...it's so awesome.


now, for pictures! Warning: they are extremely hiliarous and dont laugh at me too much, i was really drunk. As was everyone in the pictures.

Jen and I were talking and then Damon walked out with his boxers and we just happen to turn around.
damon and mindy dancing on the bed.
missy told us to look normal, we didn't know how to.
me rocking out to Andy WK, after she took that picture i fell into the wall.
Damon and Mindy traded pants.
Damon in Mindy's pants, it scary that he looks better in them than Mindy.


that's all.

9:06am: ....
Today's my birthday..yay.

i just wanted to say happy birthday to Nicole also, since we're brthday buddies. have a great 21st birthday.


also, heather thanks for the birthday e-card. :)

11:00pm: 'cause im bored
A- act your age: 19...20 in almost 4 days
B- breast size: they grew...a lot...34 D
C- chore you hate: hmm..i really do them
D- dads name: Michael
E- essential make up item: chapstick
F- favorite singer: Sarah McLachlan/Bjork
G- gold or silver: silver
H- hometown: san diego
I- instruments you play(ed): none
J- job title: bum?
K- kids: someday
L- living arrangement: with my parents
M- moms name: Carol
N- number of people youve slept with: 2
O- overnight hospital stays: once i was in the hospital for 3 days because i had a stomach virus..that sucked
P- umm yea theres not a question for p..strange
Q- quote you like: too many
R- relgious affliation: catholic but not a good one
S- siblings: two brothers: Mike- 28, Daniel- 26
T- time you wake up: with summer school, i have to get up at 6:45 for my 8 am class UGH
U- underwear of choice: bikini's
V- vegetable you refuse to eat: brussel sprouts
W- worst habit:
X- x-rays youve had: a few
Y- yummy food you make: Lasagna
Z- zodiac sign: Gemini

12:23am: .....
There are two of us talking in circles
and one of us who wants to leave
in a world created for only us
an empty cage that has no key
don't you know we're working with flesh and blood
carving out of jealousy
Crawling into each other it's smothering
every little part of me

What kind of love is this that keeps me
hanging on
despite everything it's doing to me
what is this love that keeps me coming
back for more
when it will only end in misery

I know too many people unhappy
in a life from which they'd love to flee
watching others get everything offered
they're wanton for discovery
Oh my brother my sister my mother
you're loosing your identity
can't you see that it's you in the window
shining with intensity

What kind of love is this that keeps me
hanging on
despite everything it's doing to me
what is this love that keeps me coming
back for more
when it will only end in misery...

10:29pm: love this song
Elsewhere

I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand it
I would like to linger here in silence
if I choose to
would you understand it
would you try to understand...


it gives me the chills

11:39pm: ....

littlecookie's LJ stalker is spaced_out!

spaced_out is stalking you because they saw your picture and fell in love.. They are also eating your food when you aren't looking!

1:38am: ....
hi,

i don't need this crap right now, i have my own shit to worry about. i don't need extra stress ok? ok thanks.

6:32pm: Everyone should help me out.
I'm doing a research paper on the death penalty and I want to know everyone opinions about it.

So if you guys would like to help me out that would be nice.


Question:

Are you for or against the death penalty? Why, Why not?


thanks.

9:06pm: .......
i don't know how long i can do this, it hasn't even been a day and i feel like i don't know what to do with myself. i have to try, i guess.



i'm going to end up making so many useless posts...forgive me.